For my little contribution to the farewell of Six Sentence Sunday (click on that for a lot of other great excerpts!), I thought I'd share some of the revisions I'm working on for The Seven Noble Knights of Lara. It can still be improved, I'm sure!
These are now the first six sentences of the novel. Do they grab your attention, or are they too calm?
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The sun began to relent from its long day's punishment of Busto de Bureba. The fish in the river sought out the barely forming shadows cast by rocks and branches. Inside a stone house, under a thatched roof, twenty maidservants and their lady planned a cool evening meal, brought in the washing, and put away the day's sewing without bumping into each other.
Doña Lambra looked out the open door at the fields where her vassals were setting down their scythes and pitchforks for the day. Most of the serfs would return to their tiny homes in town, but some of the overseers lived on the estate, and would come to the main hall for supper. If nothing went wrong, in another seven mornings or so, Lambra would have to provide some kind of reward for successful haying, and the laborers would all expect meals at the haystacks in the meantime.
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Thanks so much for stopping by! I return comments for comments!
I love the "If nothing went wrong". Makes it seem like something will, for sure, go wrong. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis sets the scene so well. I tripped a little on the first sentence at "began to relent" but loved the rest of the snippet. I don't think it's too calm.
ReplyDeleteNice setting.
ReplyDeleteYes, great setting and sense of movement. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteIt's quiet but intriguing, and without knowing the rest of the story I couldn't say if it was appropriate, but if this is indicative of the tone, then yep, it works! Things don't need to start with a bang if that's not the kind of story it is...
ReplyDeleteSome pretty spectacular things will happen! But they're complex and I don't know how to set them up without easing into it, though... I may have to go back to the random military action... hard to decide...
DeleteI'm from farm country and though your snippet is a period piece, you've nicely captured the rhythm of rural life. Nice opening.
ReplyDeleteReally fabulous job of setting the scene! This almost feels like a vast painting.
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