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| Image courtesy The Daily Green, 2007 |
Today -- two years, two months since I got married -- I'm hoping for some feedback on a piece of microfiction. It honors the tribulations of a couple who never lose sight of the importance of being together (in honor of my husband, of course). Are you convinced of the love in these six? This is the most effusive passage, because to me, real love is so sacred, it's hard to put words to it, especially without sounding trite. The man is rowing a boat through the couple's flooded town while it's still raining, and the woman is using a pail to lessen the bilge.
* * *
We progressed down the river-like street past rooftops that appeared to be sinking. My shoulders developed a grinding pain, as if they were on fire. I couldn’t stand the thought that Herbert might feel the same pain, so I set my jaw against it, abandoned the bailout and sat on the bench next to him.
“If I stop rowing, my love,” he said, “it will be too hard to start again.”
I put my hands over his on the oars. I loved the way the incessant droplets scuttled straight down his nose and lingered at the tip for a full second before releasing their grip.
* * *
Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate your comments more than you'll ever know and I'm sure to vist your six in return. Visit all the amazing excerpts here.
I love your descriptions in this - nothing in-your-face but still giving a really good picture of what's happening.
ReplyDeleteNice six.
Love the picture you build here.
ReplyDeleteI think the picture you painted was one of abiding love between two soul mates. well done.
ReplyDeletePutting her hands over his is the most beautiful, sweet, romantic gesture. That's where I really felt the love and affection.
ReplyDeleteThe detail about the water droplets on his nose is very nice too, really draws me into the scene.
What an endearing couple! Just beautiful. Awesome six, Jessica! Happy Sunday! *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteI really like the descriptions. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is very sweet. :) I love the image of them rowing through the flood together - very romantic. I could definately believe that these two are in love.
ReplyDeleteLove! I can so see them "rowing" through life together. Having married my own soul mate twice (but that's another story, lol)I can so identify with this!
ReplyDeleteAwesome. A great visual 6. I enjoyed them a lot. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteLove this.
ReplyDeleteScuttled straight down.., wonderful description. Great six.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written piece, Jessica. Their love shines through in these six lines.
ReplyDeleteThe tone in this is beautiful. Well done!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! Their love shines through.
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Love the way you describe the droplets on his nose and how she covers his hands with her own. I would avoid the duplication of "pain" at the beginning. Perhaps just leave "feel the same" or change to ache or discomfort. I'm a stickler for word echoes. Sorry, it's that darned internal editor that works everywhere but on my own writing. :)
ReplyDeleteThis six has great imagery!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, poignant six. And yes there is a word echo with "pain" but that can be easily fixed. The emotion, however, is palpable. Not cliche' at all!
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad, wonderful piece. I can feel her concern and love for him. I think she'd rather suffer herself than see him hurting.
ReplyDelete