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Sunday, July 10, 2011

Six Sentence Sunday: Death at the Wedding

We're back to six sentences from the wedding celebrations in tenth-century Burgos in The Seven Noble Knights of Lara. I feel especially vulnerable about this snippet because it's the first death scene in a book that will have many more. It has to be right. I'm kind of liking the oblique way it's portrayed, but that may not be right for the inciting incident of a family revenge saga. What do you think? I'm open to suggestions. I may have to set this scene aside until after I finish the entire first draft, but I appreciate your comments so very much! Thank you. 

By the time we get to this scene, we've seen Álvar Sánchez's charming self spend huge amounts of time with his cousin, the bride, doña Lambra, so any affection the reader has for the character should make this all the more heart-rending. After this, we have a lot of reaction and turmoil.

To set it up: there has been a contest of the knights' prowess on the riverbank, after which male egos have raged out of control. (The sentences are long -- I'll break them up after SSS treatment.)

* * * 


Gonzalo drove his fist into Álvar’s face so hard that he collapsed at the feet of his horse, which reared noisily, bringing its sharp hooves down on its rider’s flesh again and again until Muño Salido seized the reins and led it, still kicking, away. Álvar’s teeth bounced and rolled on the soft earth or landed on people’s pointed shoes like fallen pebbles. Shining blood sprouted from under his body and raced outward, covering the ground with a steaming red plague. Doña Lambra let out a scream much louder than any of the lance blows had been on the scaffold as Justa dropped to her knees and took Álvar’s bloodied head in her hands. The little page stooped and touched Álvar’s limp hands and still chest. They looked up at doña Lambra and shook their heads.


* * * 

I've had a suggestion for hearing his skull crack, but I'm feeling squeamish about that possibility. If a guy was trampled by a horse and we saw his teeth fall out and blood everywhere, I would assume the worst without listening for the crunch of bones, but maybe that's just me.

Thanks again for stopping by my blog! Check out the other snippets here.

Tomorrow and Wednesday: Gary Inbinder's The Flower to the Painter.

40 comments:

  1. A very visual six. Wow!

    Besides the scream, there isn't any auditory description. Wouldn't hurt to add a scull crack or some other sound from the fight. Still well done though.

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  2. Well done! I agree with Jessica, a skull crack would be a good thing.

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  3. A fantastic description. I'm not squeamish so I wouldn't mind a skull-crack in there, adds to the drama and shock of the death.

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  4. I am going to have to fourth Jessica's suggestion, though without that addition it's still powerful. Well done!

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  5. Hi,

    With this kind of scene one can imagine spectator intakes of breath, suspension and realisation of the awfulness of Alver's fated death: pulped head. The sound of a crazed horse amid the silence would probably shroud sound of a crushed head. Dramatic stuff and tragic circumstance of jousting! Good scene setting, though a little more description could be added without overshadowing the drama of it all. ;)

    best
    F

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  6. I think I second Francine. Thudding hooves, whinnying, snorting by the horse would probably mask the bone crunching noises. I also would not want to undermine the extremely powerful image of the teeth falling out, which tells us where the horse has been trampling him. Most powerful six.

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  7. fab scene... very visual indeed -- and as for the skull cracking, I agree with Jessica. Any way to add extra senses other than sight is great for helping put the reader in the scene. I say go for it! But it's your story, so write what you feel is fitting xx

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  8. Only for a Six Sunday would the phrase "I think a skull crack would be a good thing" come to light - but I do agree. I did feel as though I was right there though! Nice Six!

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  9. Well done. I don't think a skull crack would be heard anyway.

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  10. I think this is perfectly done as is. I disagree with everyone else about the cracking skull. The scattering of teeth (nice!) takes care of that. If you wish to add auditory bits, perhaps the thud (or something else) of Gonzalo's fist against bone; the sound of the horse's hooves repeatedly meeting flesh.

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  11. Ack! The teeth! What a perfectly disgusting detail.

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  12. I'm not sure if you would hear the crack over the sound of a horse freaking out. I thought it was nicely done.

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  13. Very vivid excerpt. I thought you needed the skull crack at first, but then I thought that with panic and horror comes this sort of blanketing of sounds, like you're under water and everything sounds distorted. You wouldn't make out the sound of a skull crack then. But it's your story - go with what feels right to you. :)

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  14. Beautifully done

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  15. Well done visualization that made my stomach clench. Great six.

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  16. I'd agree that the thud of the hooves and the horse's screams are going to mask any sound of the skull cracking.

    If you want more sound descriptions I'd go with the people surrounding them. Men shouting, women screaming- those would at least match the sounds the horses are making. And it would also give you a sense of chaotic motion.

    The other thing I wanted to point out, is that while visually descriptive- the POV was very distant and detached. There was no emotion attached, because you didn't seem to be in any specific persons' mind. I think this would be even more powerful if you described it from someone's pov and had them emotionally reacting to what was happening, what they were seeing.

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  17. I agree with Trish - viewing it through a character's horrified POV would engage readers even more.
    And auditory details would heighten the tension too.
    If you're familiar with horses at all, though, they are loathe to trample people but like all animals, there are those horses which are downright nasty. I'd suggest foreshadowing a bit to lend credence - maybe have the horse stamp on a foot here or there, or make it a biter.

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  18. Thanks, Trish. This Chapter is from Doña Sancha's POV -- the mother of the title characters, one of whom is Gonzalo, who throws the lethal punch. She's not phased by the violence itself, as you'll see in the coming weeks.

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  19. I don't know about crushing skull but more sound descriptions would be good I think. In that situation though I would think you'd hear more from the horse than the body on the group.
    If the person isn't phased by the violence maybe you could add something to show her indifference so there is still some emotion? Not sure but I definitely don't think you would hear the skull cracking in all the commotion. Great six!

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  20. Very graphic scene - lots of drama and you did a good job portraying the violence. You mentioned shortening the sentences, and I think that would be a good idea. Shorter sentences = more tension. I'd also change "reared noisily" to something more descriptive: shrieked, squealed, snorted foam, eyes wild, etc. Maybe add smells. This dramatic scene is an opportunity to use almost all the senses to make it even more compelling.

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  21. I actually think the 'skull cracking' sound would be overkill. (no pun intended) This was amazingly vivid and perfect as it.

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  22. sounds fine... if you want an excellent post on how to write realistic injuries - or deaths - go here
    http://www.users.totalise.co.uk/~leiafee/ramblings/realistic_injuries.htm
    Happy writing
    Barb

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  23. Vivid description! I don't know if you actually need to hear the skull crack, but it wouldn't take away from this scene if you put it in there. Well done!

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  24. This is a very vivid scene...my stomach is still roiling.... and that was without the bit about the cracking skull. Impressive writing!

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  25. very evocative! Nice description.

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  26. I think it's plenty graphic, and memorable. For me, I always try to write every single thing a person would see - really notice - without thinking about whether it's too little to too much for a reader. I don't know if that helps you or not.

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  27. Excellent description! Readers are used to coming across "cracking of skull" type descriptions but that scattering of teeth - you don't read something like that very often. So if you wanted to leave out of skull-cracking sound I don't think you would lose anything, the scene carries plenty of weight without it.

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  28. Wow. Very vivid. Excellent description!

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  29. Goodness. Sad and vivid. Didn't anyone try to stop the horse? Didn't they care? It seemed a long time before the horse was dragged away. I'm angry at all of them for just watching.

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  30. Amazing description, and so very touching. Thank you.

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  31. That made me wince, which is what you wanted. Right?

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  32. It's a very vivid description of the actual death, but there seemed to be a lack of reaction until the end. I think it could be drawn out and made even more heart rending by using a specific pov. Let us hear the screams and gasps. Who cries out? Is there the patter of blood like rain from the hooves of the kicking horse? Is someone sprayed with the hot, copper bits of his life as they run forward to help/stop what's happening? How does this public but intimate death become intimate to everyone?

    All that said, if you don't change a thing, it will still shock and bring a visceral response. So well done! :)

    ~Xakara
    Dawn's Early Light 6SS

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  33. I think you can't go wrong with the skull cracking. You've gone as far as you have, draw in another of the senses.

    Best,
    Allure Van Sanz

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  34. Crunch of skull would be good. As to the rest, if the blood is leaking from under where his body lay, then it can't have "sprouted". Right? blood would spurt into the air or anywhere where it isn't backed against something. Believe me, I've seen a lot of blood sprouting in my time as an ICU/CVICU nurse. I suggest a change of verbs. And these two sentences here: "The little page stooped and touched Álvar’s limp hands and still chest. They looked up at doña Lambra and shook their heads." I believe that the "they" that begins the second sentence refers to hands/chest in the first sentence. Might need to double check that. All in all, a good way to start the deaths in your wip! LOL. Write On!

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  35. What a diverse spread of talents in this group (coming in just after Kathleen's comment, great to hear an ER nursing perspective)! I'm a total wimp, the skull crack would be irrelevant to me as a reader because I tend to skip or skim graphically violent scenes. Intense six!

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  36. I have to say, I agree with Trish. When reading this, I felt very removed from the action. I think mainly this was because you were using a lot of passive language, or words that slowed the action down. It was stuff like:

    "...he collapsed at the feet of his horse, which reared noisily"

    doesn't really connect with the punch. "Collapse" makes me think more of fainting than falling down 'cause of a hit.

    "Álvar’s teeth bounced and rolled on the soft earth or landed on people’s pointed shoes like fallen pebbles."

    ...this is an interesting image, but so calm I feel you could be describing raindrops. Also, it sounds like there are hundreds of teeth when people only really have about 30.

    Good luck! You describe things is a very unique way!

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  37. I agree that more audio - the frenzy of the horse, the reaction of the crowd - is needed. I loved the line 'The little page stooped and touched Álvar’s limp hands and still chest.' That tells us all we need to know about the poor man's final condition.

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  38. Wow, very vivid! Don't forget to add the smell of blood, which they'd definitely notice. And the skull crack would be good, if the ground is hard enough. It doesn't seem excessive to me. Good job!

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